APP: Prope! Come Back

PROPE! COME BACK
by Jessi

Oh sweet God. SWEET MERCIFUL GOD, I can’t begin to say how sorry I am to one Mr. Prope, a dedicated reader, contributor and friend of the APP. I received this letter yesterday:

Jessi,

So I noticed you did not say anything at all about my pic. Am to understand that you think I am a hideous beast?? Well, your probably right, but a little acknowledgment would have been nice. Anyways, Im still continuing my quest, but so far it is to no avail. Maybe your right, maybe I SHOULD try that girl who has always been friends with me. Only thing is that I despise her now, but other than that, it should be a fun dance

Prope

PROPE! I…I have to tell you that I nearly burst into tears at the sorrow in your words. I am begging you, right now…a 27 year old married woman, BEGGING YOU AT YOUR FEET to forgive me. I’ve been so busy. So so busy with everything. I mean, I had to go see Sleepy Hollow and Toy Story II, I had to deal with the mysterious Mr. M and his critiques of our site…I had to run a nice letter from Carcazoid through the sarcasm detector (it came out clean!), AND I had to decorate my house for Christmas, watch the Bears Packers game, get a manicure and balance the checkbook. I opened your picture two weeks ago, but I was drunk at the time, haphazardly checking email without any real regard for what it contained. Only today did I look on it again, and I feel terrible. I most certainly do NOT feel that you are a hideous beast. You have an engaging smile, a good fashion sense, and your hair seems to be in a sensible style. I can’t tell what color your eyes are, but if they’re blue you go up three points…green eyes, you go up seven points…brown eyes…let’s say…two. But you started with a solid 12 points…so the eyes are just gravy!

As we speak, I’m trying to devise a plan to get Jennifer Love Hewitt to take you to the prom…but if I honestly had that kind of pull in the industry, don’t you think I’d be an official Rammstein "towel girl" by now? As far as I can tell, she’s doing Carson Daly these days, and no offense, but he’s mighty hot. MIGHTY. You are hot as well, I’m sure, and you treat a lady well, I’m sure…but Carson Daly…come on! He’s a good Catholic boy, suitable for corruption…and he looks like he may have a dark and dangerous side. Do you have a dark and dangerous side? If so, do you want to take ME to the prom? I mean, with JLH, you MUST ADMIT, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak. Remember when I was in first grade, and I kissed Scott Russi on the back of the head in the cafeteria? Remember? He didn’t speak to me until we were SENIORS IN HIGH SCHOOL, and by then, I was the loser skater chick, and he was the captain of the soccer team, EONS ahead of me in the teen hierarchy. The point of the story is…SOMETIMES WE BRING HEARTACHE UPON OURSELVES.

I have a couple of things to say here, though. You certainly are a sensitive boy. I mean, to the point where I wonder if you start crying in history class. You mustn’t assume that every one hates you or thinks you’re a hideous beast. Always think yourself handsome and sexy and wonderful, promise me that. Secondly, this girl, this girl that you’ve always been friends with…this sounds like a classic John Hughes movie in the making! Yes, you’re mad at her now…but I see it happening…

Fade in: the girl’s (let’s call her…Justine) bedroom, she’s looking at Prope’s picture in the year book. One tear falls over his name. A handful of gravel hits the window. It’s Prope.

Justine: Hey…you’re going to break my window…what do you want?

Prope: Justine…I’m sorry. Look, I know that I shouldn’t have thrown that linguine at you…OK? I know it was wrong…but you DID steal my copy of Dunston Checks In…ADMIT IT.

Justine: Oh Prope. Is that all you care about? That stupid movie?

She turns from the window and Prope rushes towards the house.

Prope: NO JUSTINE…it’s not all I care about. I care about the fact that that stupid movie is tearing us apart! Don’t you see? It’s just a movie. I’ve known you since we were kids. I don’t want it to end this way.

Justine is still staring out the window…tears are welling up in her eyes.

Prope: I should have asked you this months ago. Hell, I should have asked you this when I first met you. Justine, will you go to the prom with me? I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather celebrate with.

Justine shimmies down the drain pipe and into Prope’s arms.

Justine: Of course, Prope. You know I’ve always loved you.

Camera drifts upward, and Fade Out: Playing Call And Answer by Barenaked Ladies over their embrace.

It’s just that simple, Prope. It’s really just that simple.

Anyway, if I come up with any stunning plans, I’ll let you know.

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