A Weekend With
Rammstein
A Review by Jessica
McCartney
You know how at Christmas, on
Christmas Eve specifically, you get so excited you can't sleep? You try and
hold your eyes shut but they just keep popping open and you just lay there
in the dark and silence waiting for the morning? Yeah. I wish it was
Christmas Eve right now...because then maybe MY EARS WOULDN'T BE RINGING SO
HARD. I just saw two consecutive Rammstein concerts, my third and fourth
viewings of the (and I hope I'm not being over the top here) GREATEST BAND
OF ALL TIME. It's fruitless for me to review the actual concert for you
here, except to say, you'll never see a better live show in your lifetime,
and I don't care if you're only twelve right now. Bands twenty years from
now will be setting each other on fire and sodomizing each other on stage
and it will be commonplace...but I'll remember where it all
started...KISS...oh, I mean, Rammstein. So, my review is of the other
elements of my trip, with a little bit of gloating thrown in for your
reading pleasure.
Before we begin, you may want to review my biography
and note my LIST OF FAMOUS PEOPLE THAT MY HUSBAND HAS GIVEN ME PERMISSION
TO HAVE SEX WITH IF THEY SIMPLY INSIST THAT I MUST. Note that, and then
read on.
TILL LINDEMANN'S NEW HAIR CUT AND HAIR COLOR: A+++ Till Lindemann,
the lead singer of Rammstein and clearly the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE, has made
the correct choice for this tour, and cut his hair very short and dyed it
very black. He's also grown some sideburns, and when I saw him backstage,
he had a little stubble on that perfect jaw and chin, and let me say...BRAVO...I
LOVE YOU TILL, don't ever change...unless it's in front of me.
BWHWHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHHAA.
TILL LINDEMANN'S STIFF...UPPER LIP: A+ Early in the tour, Till fell
and sprained his right knee and he limps very badly on it and has to wear a
brace, but he still performs the whole show with great vigor and
enthusiasm...you can't even tell he's in pain! I dislocated my knee once
and I declared myself bedridden and rang a little bell for my mom to bring
me the comics...so I admire his bravery. Plus, the brace just adds a new
element to the strappy, robotish, future trash S&M costumes these boys
wear.
THE WYNDHAM HOTEL IN CLEVELAND: D What does this have to do with
Rammstein? Well, I was staying in this hotel for the Cleveland show...and
so was Rammstein. Imagine my joy at checking in to the hotel and seeing
five band members in the lobby and having them all recognize my friend and
give us hugs!?!?!?! ARE YOU IMAGINING IT? Me too...I'm a little faint.
Imagine my distress when I was told my reservation was missing...imagine my
further distress when I was told that both of my credit cards were declined
(a computer error, not my fault), imagine my FURTHER distress when they
told me I had to pay $16.00 to keep my car there. Is it just me or is this
nutty? I drive all the way from Chicago to stay in your damn hotel and you
are in essence PUNISHING me for bringing my car. I'm confused. The room
itself was comfy I guess, but for being such a snotty, expensive hotel,
you'd think we'd get some cable or movie channels. Sheesh.
LEBE DAS LEBEN KRANKE: C OK, so, I know now how rock stars stay so
thin. Over the past 48 hours, I have eaten: A bag of lemonheads, two Dr.
Peppers, two Heinekens, A bottle of blue gatorade and some raisinets. I'm
starving.
THE AFTERSHOW PARTIES: B- Well, I can't even tell you how excited I
was at the prospect of being at a party with Rammstein, and when you have
these sort of wild, adulterous, lawbreaking fanstasies about such parties,
you can't help but be disappointed. I did get to talk to several band
members at length and touch their lovely arms...and I DID get my picture
taken with the BIG T, as I like to call him, but there were SO SO MANY slut
whores backstage that I felt (a) nunnish, (b) fat, (c) invisible, (d)
superior. I did have more fun at the Chicago aftershow, but I think that's
because I looked a little more goth and my hair was about 40x spiker and
very very gelly. Still, my fantasies of Mr. L go unfulfilled.
INDIANA RADIO STATIONS: F Listen, if I'm going to drive my ass all
over this country as a RammsteinKopf, I demand to have some decent radio
stations in the heartland. Is it possibly that immediately after leaving
the Chicago city limits, all hippness is gone and people listen exclusively
to Faith Hill and Tim McGraw? I shudder to think of our nation's children
growing up like this. The only worse radio experience I've had was driving
through Nebraska, when I hit SCAN and the dial never stopped. Thank God my
car has a CD player or I might very well have been a BON A FIDE COWGIRL by
the time I hit Ohio.
RAMMSTEIN MERCHANDISE: C You would think that a band with such a
fabulous stage show and such great senses of humor and fashion would have
some great great merchandise on the block at their concerts...you would,
wouldn't you? You'd be wrong. I have ONE rammstein t-shirt and I'm wearing
it to death, because the rest of them are so...not good. First of
all...MUST everything be black? WHY? WHY? The band wears white and silver
on stage! Let's get some white and silver, futur-y looking shirts, or like,
cool, different merchandise that would be appropriate to rammstein
like...armbands or handcuffs or little whips...ahhhahahaha...boy, that
would be great.
So, in conclusion...if Rammstein is coming to your town this summer, I'm
begging you not to miss it...It's not "dangerous" or
"violent". It's fun. What I liked most about the show in
Cleveland was that Till was smiling and laughing...a LOT. It's all an
act...and a REALLY REALLY GOOD ONE.
(APP Note:
You may also want to check out another Rammstein related article, Music As Accomplice, by this same columnist.)
All content ©1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press
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