A Weekend With Rammstein
A Review by Jessica McCartney

You know how at Christmas, on Christmas Eve specifically, you get so excited you can't sleep? You try and hold your eyes shut but they just keep popping open and you just lay there in the dark and silence waiting for the morning? Yeah. I wish it was Christmas Eve right now...because then maybe MY EARS WOULDN'T BE RINGING SO HARD. I just saw two consecutive Rammstein concerts, my third and fourth viewings of the (and I hope I'm not being over the top here) GREATEST BAND OF ALL TIME. It's fruitless for me to review the actual concert for you here, except to say, you'll never see a better live show in your lifetime, and I don't care if you're only twelve right now. Bands twenty years from now will be setting each other on fire and sodomizing each other on stage and it will be commonplace...but I'll remember where it all started...KISS...oh, I mean, Rammstein. So, my review is of the other elements of my trip, with a little bit of gloating thrown in for your reading pleasure.

Before we begin, you may want to review my biography and note my LIST OF FAMOUS PEOPLE THAT MY HUSBAND HAS GIVEN ME PERMISSION TO HAVE SEX WITH IF THEY SIMPLY INSIST THAT I MUST. Note that, and then read on.

TILL LINDEMANN'S NEW HAIR CUT AND HAIR COLOR: A+++ Till Lindemann, the lead singer of Rammstein and clearly the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE, has made the correct choice for this tour, and cut his hair very short and dyed it very black. He's also grown some sideburns, and when I saw him backstage, he had a little stubble on that perfect jaw and chin, and let me say...BRAVO...I LOVE YOU TILL, don't ever change...unless it's in front of me. BWHWHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHHAA.

TILL LINDEMANN'S STIFF...UPPER LIP: A+ Early in the tour, Till fell and sprained his right knee and he limps very badly on it and has to wear a brace, but he still performs the whole show with great vigor and enthusiasm...you can't even tell he's in pain! I dislocated my knee once and I declared myself bedridden and rang a little bell for my mom to bring me the comics...so I admire his bravery. Plus, the brace just adds a new element to the strappy, robotish, future trash S&M costumes these boys wear.

THE WYNDHAM HOTEL IN CLEVELAND: D What does this have to do with Rammstein? Well, I was staying in this hotel for the Cleveland show...and so was Rammstein. Imagine my joy at checking in to the hotel and seeing five band members in the lobby and having them all recognize my friend and give us hugs!?!?!?! ARE YOU IMAGINING IT? Me too...I'm a little faint. Imagine my distress when I was told my reservation was missing...imagine my further distress when I was told that both of my credit cards were declined (a computer error, not my fault), imagine my FURTHER distress when they told me I had to pay $16.00 to keep my car there. Is it just me or is this nutty? I drive all the way from Chicago to stay in your damn hotel and you are in essence PUNISHING me for bringing my car. I'm confused. The room itself was comfy I guess, but for being such a snotty, expensive hotel, you'd think we'd get some cable or movie channels. Sheesh.

LEBE DAS LEBEN KRANKE: C OK, so, I know now how rock stars stay so thin. Over the past 48 hours, I have eaten: A bag of lemonheads, two Dr. Peppers, two Heinekens, A bottle of blue gatorade and some raisinets. I'm starving.

THE AFTERSHOW PARTIES: B- Well, I can't even tell you how excited I was at the prospect of being at a party with Rammstein, and when you have these sort of wild, adulterous, lawbreaking fanstasies about such parties, you can't help but be disappointed. I did get to talk to several band members at length and touch their lovely arms...and I DID get my picture taken with the BIG T, as I like to call him, but there were SO SO MANY slut whores backstage that I felt (a) nunnish, (b) fat, (c) invisible, (d) superior. I did have more fun at the Chicago aftershow, but I think that's because I looked a little more goth and my hair was about 40x spiker and very very gelly. Still, my fantasies of Mr. L go unfulfilled.

INDIANA RADIO STATIONS: F Listen, if I'm going to drive my ass all over this country as a RammsteinKopf, I demand to have some decent radio stations in the heartland. Is it possibly that immediately after leaving the Chicago city limits, all hippness is gone and people listen exclusively to Faith Hill and Tim McGraw? I shudder to think of our nation's children growing up like this. The only worse radio experience I've had was driving through Nebraska, when I hit SCAN and the dial never stopped. Thank God my car has a CD player or I might very well have been a BON A FIDE COWGIRL by the time I hit Ohio.

RAMMSTEIN MERCHANDISE: C You would think that a band with such a fabulous stage show and such great senses of humor and fashion would have some great great merchandise on the block at their concerts...you would, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong. I have ONE rammstein t-shirt and I'm wearing it to death, because the rest of them are so...not good. First of all...MUST everything be black? WHY? WHY? The band wears white and silver on stage! Let's get some white and silver, futur-y looking shirts, or like, cool, different merchandise that would be appropriate to rammstein like...armbands or handcuffs or little whips...ahhhahahaha...boy, that would be great.

So, in conclusion...if Rammstein is coming to your town this summer, I'm begging you not to miss it...It's not "dangerous" or "violent". It's fun. What I liked most about the show in Cleveland was that Till was smiling and laughing...a LOT. It's all an act...and a REALLY REALLY GOOD ONE.

(APP Note: You may also want to check out another Rammstein related article, Music As Accomplice, by this same columnist.)





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