Rammstein vs N Sync

Rammstein vs. N' Sync

Reports from the field by Dr. Jess

I’m going to be honest with you here. I laughed out loud just typing the title of this article. But this is a serious issue, one that I wrestle with daily, and I realized that it had to be written.

Richard Kruspe, Guitar Right of Rammstein, has made the statement that essentially, Rammstein is the German equivalent of a boy band. And, cut the giggles…he might be right…but as it stands…Satan doesn't have a boy band.

I love Rammstein…AND…I love N Sync…so I thought I’d take a moment here to quickly compare the two on several points.

I was going to write letters challenging the bands to an ultimate fighting contest but I was afraid that the boys of N Sync would end up broken, bleeding, sodomized and most definitely less peppy and high on life than their first album indicates.

So, put your safety goggles on, get your clip boards, and let’s begin:

RAW SEX APPEAL

God this is tough. Maybe not to you…but to a woman of strange proclivities like myself…each of these bands has something going for them.

General Overview

Rammstein – Till Lindemann, Till Lindemann, Till Lindemann, Till Lindemann…Till Lindemann sweating without a shirt on, his hair slicked back singing Bestrafe Mich while whipping himself with a cat o nine. What the hell? MAYBE, MAYBE, if I saw Justin Timberlake doing that…I’d attend an N Sync concert, but as it stands…Rammstein’s running away with this contest. And yet…

N Sync – Lance Bass, Lance Bass, Lance Bass…GROWLL. Now there’s a boy I’d like to corrupt. I'm telling you, there’s something about these boy bands. Its these nice, young, clean cut boys…suddenly thrust into the spotlight of uncontrollable fame…surely they’re scared…and need a good, older woman to comfort them…assure them…tie them down and fellate them…I don’t know…I’m just talking off the top of my head.

Edge: Rammstein

Cute to Non Cute Ratio?

Rammstein: 5:1 N Sync: 2:3

Edge: Rammstein

The Ability To Overpower The Performer In Their Dressing Room?

I would never presume to even lay a damn HAND on Rammstein as I’m confident any one of them could split me like a twig, laterally or horizontally. N Sync, on the other hand, would be so shocked to see a woman over 15 in their dressing room that I’d have that brief, tharn moment to accost any of them and have them bound and up against the wall.

Edge: N Sync

THE LIVE SHOW

General Overview

I can’t really speak first hand for N Sync, but I have seen Rammstein four times. I have also read reviews of N Sync concerts and I think there’s enough here to compare the two.

Use Of Fire

Rammstein – I can’t possibly list everything here, but here’s a few: Till sets himself on fire, Till wears sparking boots, sparking gloves…carries a flamethrower, a flaming bow and arrow, and the last song features a WOMAN IN A FLAMING BIRDCAGE. Pyro opens the show…pyro ends it. Pyro nearly took my eyebrows RIGHT THE HELL OFF.

N Sync – I saw a picture with some roman candle-ish fireworks. That’s sweet.

Edge: Rammstein.

Use of Liquids

Well, both Rammstein and N Sync must understand how hot their audience is out there in the pit…the groundlings struggling for a bit of eye contact…because they both like to get their audience wet….ahem…ANYWAY…the difference is, at a Rammstein concert, the water comes from a strap on dildo worn by Till and jacked off all over the crowd. At an N Sync show…it comes from super soakers…OK!

Edge: Rammstein…I think.

Costuming

OK, here’s where Rammstein loses the edge. NO NO NO NO! I love Rammstein’s costumes…I love the scary, dirty, fear-the-future-of-fashion look…I love the ball gag, the whips, I love the black leather, silver and white…but…and I don’t know if this is a CHOICE, but Till’s costume always looks horrifyingly dirty, like he’s getting off a five day bender of alternately pissing himself and rolling in Woodstock mud. I mean…my favorite part of the Rammstein show is when Till finally takes his shirt OFF. If it were up to me…the man would just wear some white satin pajama bottoms and show off that shiny buff chest for an hour and a half…but he insists on that one sleeved white thingee that I’ve grown tired of. He never changes…He needs some costume changes…and one of them should be shiny black leather pants…really tight ones….swoon…clunk…huh? I’m back.

N Sync…wins my admiration for the many costume changes and the color coordination of costumes…It’s entertaining to the eye…it’s like a little cute boy fashion show…but just once, let’s put Lance in some bondage gear…that’s all I ask.

Edge: Draw

Live Show Odds And Ends

N Sync does a cool "Flying by Foy" type suspension over the audience, but due to the questionable activities with a strap on…I’m not sure I want Rammstein doing that. N Sync also has those big screens so that you can see close ups of your fav pin ups…something that Rammstein should have, if only to see that wacky contact lens that Richard wears…or the crown of thorns thing that Oliver wears UP CLOSE.

Rammstein speaks German…and only German ONSTAGE. So concert goers need not be bothered by the ever annoying rockstar lingo "GOOD EVENING CHICAGO…ARE YOU READY TO ROCK????" or the political diatribes that bands love to spew as of late. (Side rant: If I really gave a flying FIG what Korn thought, I’d buy one of the 47 magazines that they’re on the cover of…no need to force your philosophies on me when I came to mosh) When not singing or thanking the crowd at the end …Till is blessedly silent.

Both N Sync and Rammstein understand that a live concert is basically like live theatre. There HAS to be something besides the music. I can listen to the CD at home…Give me something else. Both bands deliver on that front.

Edge: Draw

LYRICAL CONTENT

N Sync

"I need love, you need love, we all really need love"

Rammstein

"Bend over, your face doesn’t interest me."

Game, Set, Match: Rammstein

CONCLUSIONS

I love them both, but the boys from Berlin take the strudel. First of all, how can you be in a boy band when you’re almost 40 and you have at least three kids? How can you be in a boy band when you’re arrested for indecent exposure and inciting public excitation every time you step on stage? HOW CAN YOU BE IN A BOY BAND IF YOU’RE SIMULATING SODOMY WITH YOUR KEYBOARDIST? Oh, wait…I think that’s a boy band requirement.

Anyway, the point remains, I’d like to see a Rammstein, N Sync tour…think of the demographic! Little blond girls in pigtails moshing with Goth Chicks! Cheerleaders and headbanging nutballs. I think it would play in Peoria…someone get their people on the phone.

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