Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
by Jessi
For
the first time in five years, I did NOT miss the Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
special on CBS. They show this special FIRST out of all the classics, and I
always miss it. Yes, YES…I have it on tape, but there's just something about
watching it live, with all the commercials, that makes it an event. This is,
quite clearly, the second best Christmas special of all time (Why…Merry
Christmas Charlie Brown, of course), and it never fails to please and surprise
me. Imagine how hard I laughed when I first understood the Christmas Seals
joke! Wonderful, priceless. What did I learn this time around?
1.
Yukon Cornelius' dog team is made up of six distinctly different dogs, and none
of them are suited for sled travel. Most notably the blue poodle and the
dauschund. Amazing, and wonderful detail by the dark lord masters, Rankin and
Bass.
2.
I learned, only this morning, from www.rankinbass.com that the elf who wants to
be a dentist is, in fact, named HERMEY…shattering my 20+ year love affair with
the misfit dentist named HERBIE. You can't know the sadness I'm feeling right
now.
What
have I STILL NOT learned?
1.
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE DOLL ON THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS? WHAT IS HER
DAMAGE, HEATHER? She is a perfectly fine doll, all limbs present, a bright
smile, nice hair, a good attitude, pretty dress, pleasant singing voice. Why is
she on the island with that fruity Charlie In The Box? It just doesn't work!
I
have a feeling that this is one of those facts that I will never uncover until
I reach the Pearly Gates, and there, King Moonracer is waiting for me with the
answer.
However,
as I've grown, I've noticed that there is INCREDIBLE cruelty in this special…I
mean, I nearly cried when Santa visited baby Rudolph, WHO INSTINCTIVELY KNEW
SANTA'S NAME by the way, and Santa immediately rips him a new one about the
nose! What the? I thought Santa was a lover of all! Also, the pulling of teeth
from the Bumble! How awful. It's obvious now that he can only eat creamed corn
and oatmeal, a diet that even the oldest of adults can only stomach for two or
three days. I mean, they knocked him out with two giant rocks, must they also
render him utterly defenseless? It just doesn't seem RIGHT.
But
I am not here to criticize the fantastical felt world of Rankin Bass. I am here
to tell them, wherever they are, that I have never watched this show without
bursting into tears at Santa's line: "Rudolph, with your nose so
bright…WON'T YOU GUIDE MY SLEIGH TONIGHT?",
and
I have never gone through a Christmas season without uttering the phrase,
"I'm CUDE! I'm CUDE! She thinks I'm CUDE!" It's clearly one of the
most memorable television lines of all time. I have never truly gotten in to
the Christmas spirit without watching this show…and I can only pray to the Lord
Jesus Christ that it is never sullied by the profit grubbing trappings of the
modern world. I hear that they are going to destroy The Grinch Who Stole
Christmas, banking on the fact that Jim Carrey can punch it up. This causes me
to veer off course from
the
point of the article, to make this decree:
HEAR
ME NOW: I will never watch the Grinch again, unless it's on my tape of the
ORIGINAL Grinch, featuring the most talented voices and the most interesting
animated art. Max the dog cannot be improved upon. The Grinch's evil grin
CANNOT be duplicated on a human face. KNOW THIS: No horrific torture is yet
conceived that will make me watch Jim
Carrey
destroy this most popular character of Christmas. BURN IN HELL, destroyers of
the classics.
On
that note, we should wrap up this stroll down Christmastown Lane. But remember
kids…just because your nose glows, doesn't mean you can't fit in.
© 1999
Absurd Pamphlet Press