A Modest Proposal

to the "Neighborhoods ALIVE!" program

/ Department of Transportation

by Chris McCaleb

I see that your department has finished the water line improvements in my neighborhood. Let me be the first to say, "Congratulations!" And good for you! Good for US!

According to my calendar, this project took about four months and twelve days to complete. Of that time, work crews were here actually doing work for the equivalent of... oh, maybe 2 weeks. However, you cleverly posted No Parking - Cars Will Be Towed - 6AM to 6PM - signs up for ALL of the four months and twelve days, so that one to two blocks worth of residents, sometimes both sides, had to find alternative parking for their cars for that entire time, weekends included, whether your crew was here working or not.

Kudos to you on this method of keeping this neighborhood on its toes, and out of your way! I realize that road work must be a tense business - you don't want civilians and non-coms making your job harder by parking their non-city vehicles all over your work months before you start it. And on the days you ARE working, you'd obviously like the cars out hours ahead of time, since you never showed up before 7 or 8!

I'll be honest - it was a tense time in the neighborhood. No one knew when or where you'd strike! (This includes many of your own workers, who assured us when we called of many different completion dates that came and went, with still no work, much less completion) Ironically, the "Neighborhoods ALIVE!" program had turned us into a Neighborhood DESPERATE! Ha! Ha!

In the absence of any facts or any evidence of a schedule from your department, rumors flew. The wisest of us assumed that, like the Biblical End Times, you would come like a thief in the night to resurface our road and to tow and fine us for not moving our cars. Instead, you came like a constantly honking tow truck in the morning! Specifically, a tow truck driving the wrong way down a one way street, honking to rouse us from our beds in a panic and tell us that yea, the time of towing is at hand!

Based on your expert handling this, we assume that your organizations and department must CONSTANTLY be on the lookout for ways to decrease resident convenience. Therefore, I have taken the liberty of developing a number of ideas that may help you in this arena.

1) Coordinate with the Dept. of Streets And Sanitation (Revenue) to make sure their "street-cleaning" (revenue-gathering) schedule overlaps your own. Streets and Sanitation has even looser sign-posting guidelines than your own, and residents that have to play the "Will This Parking Spot Still Be Legal Tomorrow?" game against both departments will find the odds even MORE stacked against them! As the chances of finding a legal parking spot diminish, your revenues will increase! I know you may already be implementing this plan, as it occurred a few times during your repair project, but I thought I'd mention it!

 

(Potential pitfall: Streets and Sanitation appears to have even less of a schedule than you, so coordinating may be a problem. However, the sheer random chance that you'll both be operating in the same neighborhood seems to be good, considering the length of your projects. )

 

2) Coordinate with the Secretary of State to require that any residents in your zone of influence buy special stickers that must be affixed to their car at all times, to prove that they should be in the ALIVE! zone in the first place. These stickers should cost around $60, and should be available only through the Secretary of State, and only through the branch in the loop. They can only be picked up in person, require two forms of ID and proof of residence, and expire in one week. They must not obscure any of the other stickers required by the city.

 

3) When and if you DO change signs out indicating a change in potential work dates in a neighborhood, be sure to leave the old ones in place to promote uncertainty. Again, I see that you're already implementing this one, but I wanted to put it on the list. Remember - the citizenry must be kept on its toes!

 

4) Have any employees that answer phones in your department routinely give aliases when asked for their names. This way, they cannot be tracked down later to answer for bad information. Alternately, hire at least 10 "Mikes" for one office.

 

5) Damage the paint on cars that you find unattractive. This may seem a bit harsh and random, but ALL progressive plans do at first. Again, if suggestion 4 is implemented, it is unlikely that you or any workers can be compelled to make restitution for any damage, as you can never be tracked down.

 

Left to your own means, you would no doubt come up with many of these ideas on your own. But I still wanted to share them with you!

 

 

 

 

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