A Thanksgiving Letter for the Pieholes
From Editor Jessi
It’s all about the Turkey skin, people. If you’re the first one in the kitchen
when that bird comes out of the oven, go right for the piece of skin above the
leg. There’s usually a pocket of steam underneath it that allows for easy
ripping. Turkey skin is so fattening and bad for you, and if you’re eating
supper at my Grandma’s, it’s probably been rubbed with butter, or better
yet…LARD, just to add to the hell. But that’s what it’s all about people.
Eating the skin.
I was reading Glamour the other day, and it was giving "hints" to
avoid "pigging out" over the holidays. Good God! WHAT? The whole
reason FOR the holidays is pigging out. That’s why God sent baby Jesus to earth
in
the stable. So we could have French’s Green Bean Casserole. And another thing,
I don’t want to hear about crazy GOURMET meals either. Here’s what we’re
eating…all of us, and I don’t care if you’re a vegan, a Hindu, a Weight
Watcher, or a graduate from the Culinary Institute. PUT YOUR TAPANADE away and
stick to this menu for both Thanksgiving AND Christmas:
Appetizers:
Chex Mix
Vegetables and Dip
Main Meal:
Turkey
Mashed Potatoes/GRAVY
Corn
Rolls
Green Bean Casserole
Stuffing
Squash of some sort
Dessert:
Several Pies
Christmas Cookies (Christmas only)
DON’T WAVER FROM IT.
This holiday season I vow to eat everything I see, in moderation of course. I
vow to get drunk at parties and eat full fat dips. I vow to go back for
seconds, and thirds, and have a little piece of every pie that’s made
available. Because that’s how a REAL person celebrates. Eating special things
on special occasions. I will work out later…I will feel bad later. RIGHT NOW,
pass the rolls.
I don’t want to hear about any of you pieholes "watching what you
eat" or "being careful" over this Thanksgiving weekend. I want
to come back on Monday and find you fat, greasy, heartburn ridden, hungover and
smiling… because the good Lord knows…I will be.
Thank you.
© 1999 Absurd
Pamphlet Press