Tourists or Good Ways To Get
Murdered By Me
A Review by Jessica McCartney
If it were up to me, the United States of America would just be one
huge CHICAGO, and that way everyone could enjoy the city I live in and have
lived in for four years. As it
happens, there are people who don’t think this is a good idea, mainly, New
Yorkers, and so I must fall victim to the harmful who mean to be harmless,
the TOURISTS. Tourists, tourists,
tourists, with your gigantic maps and your gigantic sunglasses and your
gigantic fun-loving attitudes that somehow manage to ruin every day of my
life from approximately April 1 until November 1. Rather than scream and tell you leave, however, I would like
to be pro-active, constructive, PART OF THE SOLUTION. (Because this is Chicago, NOT New York)
1. I work in the second
tallest building in the city, and I know you want to look at it. Go ahead. Crane your necks to see the top…but DON’T STAND RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK TO DO IT.
I’m trying to get somewhere, and when you just STOP to look at the
architecture, don’t be surprised that I run right into you.
2. We’ve installed the
WALK / DON’T WALK signs for a reason.
Mainly, because there’s a lot of traffic, and we want you to leave
Chicago alive, so you can come back again and dump tons of money into
t-shirts that say DA BULLS. Respect
the traffic lights, the traffic cops, the crosswalks…because Lord knows,
the cab drivers DO NOT.
3. I know that you’re
here with your family, and you want to be together and hug and take
pictures and generally spend three days like it’s a big Gary Marshall film
musical montage…but it’s not…Let’s put a limit on it…FOUR PEOPLE TO A
CAB…YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SPLIT UP.
4. When you find
yourself….ah screw it, I’m not going to pussyfoot around the issues…here’s
a simple Line List:
·
Don’t stand at the
top of the escalator and look around the building
·
Don’t do the exact same
thing at the bottom
·
Don’t do the exact
same thing outside an elevator
·
Don’t stand outside
a bus and ask what each stop is, what number the bus is, how much it costs,
when the next one is coming or how long it will take to get to Wrigley
Field
·
THE AUTOMATIC
REVOLVING DOORS ARE JUST THAT…AUTOMATIC.
YOU DO NOT NEED TO PUSH THEM…IF YOU DO…THEY WILL STOP TURNING. It’s just that simple.
·
For the love of
God, if you must drive on our streets, do so in a city like fashion. Go the speed limit (at least), change
lanes definitively and if you must get off of Lake Shore Drive, MAKE THAT
DECISION more than ten seconds before the exit comes up.
And, I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH…DO NOT PARK ON MY STREET. When all of you people decide to save
fifteen American dollars by parking on my ZONED street, guess what? I DON’T HAVE A PLACE TO PARK. This city is riddled…RIDDLED with public
parking…meters…buses…cabs…the el, the Metra train, HORSES AND F-ING
BUGGIES…if you can’t blow the ten spot to park…find an alternate route so I
can come home from work and NOT be forced to beat your windshield in like a
crazed New Yorker.
And finally, remember…we are Chicago-ans. We’re a generally nice lot.
I mean, I know you have to be careful nowadays, but it’s just so
disheartening to see people walking by me and clutching their purses to
their hearts, pulling their children closer…we’re not all Richard
Speck. Be careful…but relax. If the bus driver pulls past your
stop…he’s not kidnapping you…he just forgot. The cab drivers are PROBABLY NOT bilking you and we’re
PROBABLY NOT going to murder you at noon in front of Marshall Fields on
State Street…
Unless you try and fit six people in one section of a revolving
door.
All content ©1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press
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