Tourists or Good Ways To Get Murdered By Me

A Review by Jessica McCartney

If it were up to me, the United States of America would just be one huge CHICAGO, and that way everyone could enjoy the city I live in and have lived in for four years.  As it happens, there are people who don’t think this is a good idea, mainly, New Yorkers, and so I must fall victim to the harmful who mean to be harmless, the TOURISTS.  Tourists, tourists, tourists, with your gigantic maps and your gigantic sunglasses and your gigantic fun-loving attitudes that somehow manage to ruin every day of my life from approximately April 1 until November 1.  Rather than scream and tell you leave, however, I would like to be pro-active, constructive, PART OF THE SOLUTION.  (Because this is Chicago, NOT New York)

 

1. I work in the second tallest building in the city, and I know you want to look at it.  Go ahead.  Crane your necks to see the top…but DON’T STAND RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK TO DO IT.  I’m trying to get somewhere, and when you just STOP to look at the architecture, don’t be surprised that I run right into you.

 

2. We’ve installed the WALK / DON’T WALK signs for a reason.  Mainly, because there’s a lot of traffic, and we want you to leave Chicago alive, so you can come back again and dump tons of money into t-shirts that say DA BULLS.  Respect the traffic lights, the traffic cops, the crosswalks…because Lord knows, the cab drivers DO NOT. 

 

3. I know that you’re here with your family, and you want to be together and hug and take pictures and generally spend three days like it’s a big Gary Marshall film musical montage…but it’s not…Let’s put a limit on it…FOUR PEOPLE TO A CAB…YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SPLIT UP.

 

4. When you find yourself….ah screw it, I’m not going to pussyfoot around the issues…here’s a simple Line List:

 

·        Don’t stand at the top of the escalator and look around the building

 

·        Don’t do the exact same thing at the bottom

 

·        Don’t do the exact same thing outside an elevator

 

·        Don’t stand outside a bus and ask what each stop is, what number the bus is, how much it costs, when the next one is coming or how long it will take to get to Wrigley Field

 

·        THE AUTOMATIC REVOLVING DOORS ARE JUST THAT…AUTOMATIC.  YOU DO NOT NEED TO PUSH THEM…IF YOU DO…THEY WILL STOP TURNING.  It’s just that simple.

 

·        For the love of God, if you must drive on our streets, do so in a city like fashion.  Go the speed limit (at least), change lanes definitively and if you must get off of Lake Shore Drive, MAKE THAT DECISION more than ten seconds before the exit comes up.

 

And, I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH…DO NOT PARK ON MY STREET.  When all of you people decide to save fifteen American dollars by parking on my ZONED street, guess what?  I DON’T HAVE A PLACE TO PARK.  This city is riddled…RIDDLED with public parking…meters…buses…cabs…the el, the Metra train, HORSES AND F-ING BUGGIES…if you can’t blow the ten spot to park…find an alternate route so I can come home from work and NOT be forced to beat your windshield in like a crazed New Yorker.

 

And finally, remember…we are Chicago-ans.  We’re a generally nice lot.  I mean, I know you have to be careful nowadays, but it’s just so disheartening to see people walking by me and clutching their purses to their hearts, pulling their children closer…we’re not all Richard Speck.  Be careful…but relax.  If the bus driver pulls past your stop…he’s not kidnapping you…he just forgot.  The cab drivers are PROBABLY NOT bilking you and we’re PROBABLY NOT going to murder you at noon in front of Marshall Fields on State Street…

 

Unless you try and fit six people in one section of a revolving door.

 

 

 

 

 

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