A Review of the World
by Jessi
Look, I’ve noticed that a lot of people, even at this festive time of the year,
are spending endless moments of their day BITCHING about some thing. I’ve just
returned from a website which spoke of "destroying American pop
culture", informed me that everything about America sucks, and yet,
OFFERED ME NO ALTERNATIVE TO IT.
Why people? Why must we spend so much time hating? Why not go out and try and
improve the things we hate? You know, I don’t believe America is the greatest
country in the world. I don’t believe Germany is either, or England, or Russia
or Belgium or Argentina. You know what the best country in the world is? That
tiny little work station in Antarctica. Why? Because nobody fucking lives
there. There are no Starbucks, no Borders, no morning shows. Governments and
Media don’t make countries suck. PEOPLE who are DICKS make countries suck. Hey,
remember why Animal Farm didn’t work? Because the pigs turned into
assholes.
In this article I will offer up some things that need to be solved, and then
offer up some solutions, then let you know some great things about the world,
THINGS THAT I LOVE, and then America, Canada, France and the whole damn planet
will be a better place.
To Be Solved, In No Particular Order:
Ok people, we’re killing too many animals. I’m not a vegetarian at all, I love
steak, but to me, food products are more necessary than luxury clothing…who’s
with me? No one really NEEDS a mink coat. And do you NEED the eight point buck
head on your wall? Did your family live off the meat last winter? Only then
will I accept hunting. We’re also killing too many babies. Abortion is legal,
and in some….SOME cases, thank God for that…but too many women are using it as
birth control. TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE BEING SELFISH. While we’re there? Women are bitching
too much. If you’re not being treated fairly, MAKE IT KNOWN, but don’t assume
that EVERYONE is treating you unfairly. MEN DO NOT SUCK. Too many people are
being sued for needless shit. Too many people
are being bad parents. The police are getting out of control. There are too
many stupid people in the army. The media is given too much credit. PRICES ARE
TOO HIGH. The unions are lazy, selfish, money grubbing bullies. Jim Carrey is
getting too many movie roles. People are too rude. And everyone is assuming the
worst about everyone else.
Solutions For Existing Problems:
Cold call telemarketing should be outlawed: mail is silent, and doesn’t interrupt
my dinner. Let’s make the people who LOSE the lawsuit pay for the lawsuit. Outlaw
cellphones in movie theatres. You can’t bring in your own popcorn, why can you
bring in a phone? Don’t kowtow to the special interests groups. For every
person that’s boycotting your sponsors, there are probably six who are
supporting them -- LOSE THE EXTRA WEIGHT, you know what I’m saying? The people
at Disney, while definitely somewhat fascist, are NOT TRYING TO SEDUCE OUR
CHILDREN…if you see dicks on the cover of The Little Mermaid, it’s because YOU
ARE THINKING ABOUT DICKS TOO MUCH. Let’s just relax about subliminal advertising,
relax about the welfare of our children and ENJOY LIFE for Christ’s sake. KILL
GLORIA ALRED, lay off poor Dan Quayle, and give Jimmy Fallon more airtime on
SNL.
What’s Great About The World:
First of all, how great is Instant Messaging? What a blast! I hate talking on
the phone because of the awkward pausing and fake laughing that you have to do,
but IMing? You can pause, you can leave, you can write HAHAHAH and not really
mean it! It’s fabulous. Christmas time
is great. I love everything: the secular, the religious, the commercialism, the
friendliness, the snacks, the movies, the specials, the smell of pine, the time
off. There’s nothing bad about Christmas. Dogs are great. Butter is great.
Football is great. I love how easy it’s getting to travel between countries.
Being bumped up to First Class must be great although it’s never happened to
me. Open bars are great. I’m never disappointed in the post office for my
personal needs. Think about it…we put American stamps, paid for with American Money,
on letters to Germany…AND THE GERMAN POSTAL SERVICE STILL DELIVERS IT. That’s
kindness. Firemen are doing a good job. Day Spas - the bottom rung in the
ladder to Heaven. Our teeth are in better shape than ever before. People with cancer
can beat it now…almost all the time! People with AIDS are living longer! Kids
can learn things on the internet that they might never have known before! CD
players IN OUR CARS! Special effects in movies! All of these things are great!
The world is an imperfect place my friends…and if I had to give it a grade, it
would be a C-. But you’ll notice that we’re not failing here! We just need to
get up and fix the things that need fixing rather than bitching about how
everything sucks. If you hate America, change America! Because you can…and
that’s so great!
LET ME SAY THIS ABOUT THAT - HOME
© 1999
Absurd Pamphlet Press