A Review of the World
by Jessi
Look, I’ve noticed that a lot of people, even at this festive time of the year, are spending endless moments of their day BITCHING about some thing. I’ve just returned from a website which spoke of "destroying American pop culture", informed me that everything about America sucks, and yet, OFFERED ME NO ALTERNATIVE TO IT.

Why people? Why must we spend so much time hating? Why not go out and try and improve the things we hate? You know, I don’t believe America is the greatest country in the world. I don’t believe Germany is either, or England, or Russia or Belgium or Argentina. You know what the best country in the world is? That tiny little work station in Antarctica. Why? Because nobody fucking lives there. There are no Starbucks, no Borders, no morning shows. Governments and Media don’t make countries suck. PEOPLE who are DICKS make countries suck. Hey, remember why Animal Farm didn’t work? Because the pigs turned into

In this article I will offer up some things that need to be solved, and then offer up some solutions, then let you know some great things about the world, THINGS THAT I LOVE, and then America, Canada, France and the whole damn planet will be a better place.

To Be Solved, In No Particular Order:

Ok people, we’re killing too many animals. I’m not a vegetarian at all, I love steak, but to me, food products are more necessary than luxury clothing…who’s with me? No one really NEEDS a mink coat. And do you NEED the eight point buck head on your wall? Did your family live off the meat last winter? Only then will I accept hunting. We’re also killing too many babies. Abortion is legal, and in some….SOME cases, thank God for that…but too many women are using it as birth control. TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE BEING SELFISH. While we’re there? Women are bitching too much. If you’re not being treated fairly, MAKE IT KNOWN, but don’t assume that EVERYONE is treating you unfairly. MEN DO NOT SUCK. Too many people are being sued for needless shit. Too  many people are being bad parents. The police are getting out of control. There are too many stupid people in the army. The media is given too much credit. PRICES ARE TOO HIGH. The unions are lazy, selfish, money grubbing bullies. Jim Carrey is getting too many movie roles. People are too rude. And everyone is assuming the worst about everyone else.

Solutions For Existing Problems:

Cold call telemarketing should be outlawed: mail is silent, and doesn’t interrupt my dinner. Let’s make the people who LOSE the lawsuit pay for the lawsuit. Outlaw cellphones in movie theatres. You can’t bring in your own popcorn, why can you bring in a phone? Don’t kowtow to the special interests groups. For every person that’s boycotting your sponsors, there are probably six who are supporting them -- LOSE THE EXTRA WEIGHT, you know what I’m saying? The people at Disney, while definitely somewhat fascist, are NOT TRYING TO SEDUCE OUR CHILDREN…if you see dicks on the cover of The Little Mermaid, it’s because YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT DICKS TOO MUCH. Let’s just relax about subliminal advertising, relax about the welfare of our children and ENJOY LIFE for Christ’s sake. KILL GLORIA ALRED, lay off poor Dan Quayle, and give Jimmy Fallon more airtime on SNL.

What’s Great About The World:

First of all, how great is Instant Messaging? What a blast! I hate talking on the phone because of the awkward pausing and fake laughing that you have to do, but IMing? You can pause, you can leave, you can write HAHAHAH and not really mean it! It’s  fabulous. Christmas time is great. I love everything: the secular, the religious, the commercialism, the friendliness, the snacks, the movies, the specials, the smell of pine, the time off. There’s nothing bad about Christmas. Dogs are great. Butter is great. Football is great. I love how easy it’s getting to travel between countries. Being bumped up to First Class must be great although it’s never happened to me. Open bars are great. I’m never disappointed in the post office for my personal needs. Think about it…we put American stamps, paid for with American Money, on letters to Germany…AND THE GERMAN POSTAL SERVICE STILL DELIVERS IT. That’s kindness. Firemen are doing a good job. Day Spas - the bottom rung in the ladder to Heaven. Our teeth are in better shape than ever before. People with cancer can beat it now…almost all the time! People with AIDS are living longer! Kids can learn things on the internet that they might never have known before! CD players IN OUR CARS! Special effects in movies! All of these things are great!

The world is an imperfect place my friends…and if I had to give it a grade, it would be a C-. But you’ll notice that we’re not failing here! We just need to get up and fix the things that need fixing rather than bitching about how everything sucks. If you hate America, change America! Because you can…and that’s so great!



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