The Unprofessional Actress  Part IV – The Resistance Builds

 

The Unprofessional Actress is fuming today.  In an effort to lighten the mood at her Post Apocolyptic Macbeth rehearsal she raised her hand during notes and asked why most hard core porn comes from Germany.  Again, she was told to focus.  Her acting was generally praised but she was urged to "take her character further," as they could always "pull her back".  She is considering coming out on stage naked, covered in blood and carrying the carcass of a slain lemur.  It's a strong choice, but they can always pull back.  Oliver is sitting in her living room with her.

Oliver:  Look at it this way.  At least you have lines AND you don't have to

Some critics are just critics for the sole purpose of getting back at the girl in Oklahoma! that wouldn't go out with them in high school.

be at rehearsal every night.

She:  Thank Christ for that.  If I have to sit and listen to 25 people say red leather yellow leather one more time, I'm going to take serious action.

Oliver:  Are you even in the second act?

She:  No.  So that'll be a good time for me to write that epic novel, as I wait to go out and be the second one to bow in curtain call.

Oliver:  UA, remember, there are no small parts…

The Unprofessional Actress leaps from her chair, knocks Oliver to the floor and steps on his throat.

She:  ONLY SMALL PAYCHECKS.

She releases him and he gasps for air.  There's a few moments of silence wherein Oliver reconsiders his loyalty to the Unprofessional Actress.  She smiles warmly at him and he returns it.  They are still a team.

Oliver:  Hey, UA, if you're looking to get the juicy roles, why don't you start your OWN theatre company.  That way it's guaranteed.

She:  Why don't we just throw all of our money in a pile and set it on fire, Ollie?  It'll take less time and we can drink while we do it.  I'm not starting my own theatre company.  Before you know it, I'll be writing mission statements and coming up with clever fundraisers.  NO THANK YOU.

Oliver:  Still, if you DID start your own company, you could do whatever show you wanted AND you could be the lead!

She:  I could!  You're RIGHT!  I COULD!  I could be the lead in a one woman show!  I could write, produce, direct, stage manage, act, design lighting, costume and set – make a really cool program with quotes from feminist playwrights….and have six people come to see it and get a review that uses the word "trite".

Oliver:  Who cares about reviewers?

She:  The reviewers themselves apparently.  They write just to hear themselves type, I think, to release their angst at their own failure in theatre.  Some critics are just critics for the sole purpose of getting back at the girl in Oklahoma! that wouldn't go out with them in highschool 

Oliver:  Good point, UA.  But remember, you ARE the unprofessional actress.  You could have an UNPROFESSIONAL theatre company.

She:  I'm intrigued, go on.

Oliver:  You could be the lead AND direct every show…you could do Neil Simon plays, plays with happy endings, plays with no gay characters, plays that aren't about Vietnam…OR….OR…you could write boring one acts and perform them, announcing openly that you're doing it because you have no money to pay for royalties and Samuel French cut off your thumb.

The Unprofessional Actress smiles…it's an idea.  Maybe all the tired, beaten, Wendy Wasserstein worn women of the world could gather and be a part of the Unprofessional Theatre Company.  They could wear elaborate, gorgeous costumes, flashy outrageous makeup and fabulous hats.  They could wear these costumes and say "yes, I COULD act the hell out of this role WITHOUT these things, but THIS IS MORE FUN".  The Unprofessional Theatre Company has a mission statement already:  WE DO PLAYS BECAUSE THEY'RE FUN.  WE HAVE NO AGENDA, WE HAVE NO GOALS.  The Unprofessional Actress pats Oliver on the head.  He's a good boy.   

 

Next time on Unprofessional Actress… He Thrusts His Fists Against The Posts

Previously on Unprofessional Actress...

 

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