The Unprofessional Actress Part V – Thank You Places

 

When last we left UA, she was in diligent rehearsal for a Post-Apocolyptic-Teutonic Macbeth.  We join her now as the production reaches what the industry calls "hell week", known to others as "the time when you start wearing the costumes".  UA has the distinct pleasure of sharing a dressing room with Lady Macbeth, Lady Macduff and the man playing Banquo, who is SO openly gay that he's allowed to dress in the presence of women.

Lady Macbeth:  (warming up/admiring her talent)  Budagudabudagudabudagudabudagudabudaguda

UA stares at LM in disbelief, her jaw a little slack, her tongue sticking out slightly.

I CHECKED.  THE KNIFE IS STILL A KNIFE.  It will be a knife until strike, when I will then use it as a tool since we only have one power drill to take apart a three story set.

Lady Macbeth:  Don't you think you should warm up?

She:  I did…in the privacy of my own home and in the car coming over here…because I was afraid…of looking like an idiot.

Lady Macbeth doesn't get it.

Lady Macbeth:  I prefer to warm up closer to showtime.

She:  So everyone can see how dedicated you are and judge your talent accordingly?

Lady Macbeth nods unconsciously and UA laughs, knowing she's made one more actress INSECURE.  The stage manager pokes her asexual head in the door of the 6'x6' dressing room and calls:

Stage Manager:  40 minutes.

Lady Macbeth:  Thank you forty

Lady Macduff:  Thank you forty

Banquo:  Thank you forty

The stage manager stands there, silently, all eyes are on the UA, who rolls her eyes and calls loudly

She:  HOW MUCH TIME UNTIL THE SHOW STARTS?

Angry huffs from everyone in the room and UA looks at the Stage Manager and smiles.  Stage Managers don't joke around.

Stage Manager:  Did you check your props?

She:  For lice?

Stage Manager:  (having no sense of humor whatsoever)  Did you check your props?

She:  I did, but the coatroom said they couldn't be responsible.

Stage Manager:  Did you check your props?

She:  I DID.  I CHECKED.  THE KNIFE IS STILL A KNIFE.  It will be a knife until strike, when I will then use it as a tool since we only have one power drill to take apart a three story set.

Stage Manager:  Thank you.

She:  OH, how much time?

Stage Manager:  (reacting instinctively) 35 minutes.

Lady Macbeth, Macduff and Banquo:  THANK YOU THIRTY FIVE.

The door slams and UA chuckles to herself.  She looks into her gigantic makeup kit and wonders why she spent so much money on it so many years ago.  Every show she's ever been in demands "a natural look"or "no makeup, realism".  Well then why does everyone have spirit gum and scar liquid?  UA decides that as the MURDERER, she will have a gruesome scar across her throat from a botched suicide attempt and also a bloody black eye.  These are character choices that she's making at the last minute.  The attitude of the room is a little too calm for her liking.

She:  I'm really happy to be doing MACBETH.

Lady Macduff: (snorting)  The curse doesn't work if you are actually doing Macbeth.

She:  Some would say it doesn't work at all.  How interesting that so many of you artists don't believe in any sort of God, but you do think that the theatre will collapse at the mention of a 300 year old play.

UA begins whistling.  The room flies into a tizzy of people crossing themselves, spitting, doing strange interpretive dance….

She:  Oh sorry…I shouldn't have done that…anyway,  I just wanted to say…GOOD LUCK.

UA collapses in a fit of laughter and leaves the dressing room.  She's planning on living life on the edge…she's going to perform tonight's run WITHOUT walking the stage.  Will she make it out alive?  No one can say.

 

Next time on Unprofessional Actress… THE CAST PARTY

Previously on Unprofessional Actress...

 

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