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The Unprofessional Actress Part VII – The Search
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The Unprofessional Actress, having
finished her run of Macbeth, now finds herself searching for another role
in another play. One that will expand her horizons, one that will
allow her to discover more about herself…one that pays more than $25 a
pop. Oliver, who was once her faithful lackey, has been cast in a
version of Medea with the lead character played by a man in drag. He
will be busy for some months, and no doubt tied up in therapy for years
following those months.. So today we follow UA as she hits the
circuit…she's auditioning. First she obtains listings, the want ads
of The Industry. She separates the listings into their categories:
She: Musical Theatre…..Musical Theatre….Musical
Theatre
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Excuse me! It's says here that
you're looking for all types, does that mean there's a fat girl in the
play?
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These auditions are filed under
GARBAGE CAN because UA, unfortunately, cannot sing worth beans. When
she's forced to sing, she belts out Oh Canada, much to the annoyance of her
auditioners. Her largest part in a musical was Girl With A Picnic
Basket in Oklahoma!
She: One Man Show….One Woman Show…Midsummer
Night's Dream….Hamlet….Hamlet…Hamlet…Midsummer Night's Dream….hello?
What is this?
UA has stumbled upon an audition
calling for women aged 25-35, for a new comedy to be performed in a
reputable theatre! Can it be? She reads it, reads it
again…yes. Women are being cast as women, in funny roles. There
must be a catch. Half expecting an Amway salesman to answer, she
dials the number to schedule an audition.
At the audition, UA is asked to fill
out a form, and is immediately confronted with the truth…
She: STRONG WOMYN'S THEATRE EXPERIENCE presents
the world premiere production of "Aren't Men The Worst?" A comedy
about the quirks and idiosyncrasies that make Womyn crazy.
UA raises her hand.
She: Can I go? (she is ignored,
someone approaches to begin a game of Can You Top This, and she hisses at
them) Back to the form….I see the strong womyn's theatre experience
still finds it necessary to know my exact weight and height so that they
can prejudge me. Excuse me! It's says here that you're looking
for all types, does that mean there's a fat girl in the play? (They
stare at her in disbelief) Did you know you spelled women wrong? (Again,
a blank stare) Never mind. Hey, I have a question…how come
it's against the law to have an all male cigar club, and yet it's
empowering to have a women only gym? (By God she WILL get a
reaction out of them.) I shave my armpits, should I write that
down? (The stage manager drags herself away from her Marlene
Dietrich biography and snatches the form from UA's hand.) Wait, I
forgot to put my conflicts on there. I'm a stripper up in Milwaukee
on Fridays. I'm not going to be cast, am I?
The Unprofessional Actress heads out
to her second audition of the day…for a Wendy Wasserstein Play…otherwise
known as Women Bitching for Three Hours.
Director: Your resume looks great. Are you familiar
with the piece?
She: I have skimmed it for good monologues, but
I'm pretty sure that it's about some damn woman's struggle against mean,
mildly attractive men.
Director: Exactly. And, who's journey is it?
She: Journey? Is this a music
question? (UA looks behind her to see if Steve Perry is holding up
a CD…He's not)
Director: You see, every play has a journey…every
play is like Star Wars…in a way…
She: No. I won't accept that as a
statement.
Director: It's true. Good, evil, rooting for
the underdog, the rebellion versus the empire…
She: Have you ever had sex? It's real
fun…look forward to it.
Director: Just do your monologue. What's it
from?
She: What do you care? You're not going
to listen. I'm going to do a piece from Charlie And The Chocolate
Factory entitled Mrs. Gloop loses her son…OH NO…OH MY GOD…HE'LL BE TURNED
INTO MARSHMALLOWS IN FIVE SECONDS!
Director: Thank you.
She: No, Greedo, Thank YOU.
UA heads home…it seems the pickings
are slim in the industry…soon, the actresses will feed on each other…
Next time on Unprofessional Actress….Defending The Mainstream
Previously on Unprofessional Actress...
FICTIONARIUM
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