The Unprofessional Actress
Part VIII – The Industry Sends In Its Worst

 

Sometimes, the Unprofessional Actress feels cocky.  She's nailed some industry maven to the wall and issued a witty comeback at just the right time.  Sometimes, she thinks she may go back to being professional, just because she's getting that snotty, self absorbed attitude…the industry is warping her.  It's at these times that she must surround herself with the industry's most devious sect…the FILM FREAKS.  These people don't go to MOVIES.  They go to see FILMS or PIECES or WORKS.  The less popular a FILM, the more brilliant it is…they hate the mainstream and insist on finding symbolic meaning in

It's required by the film freaks that these actor/directors be denounced, although no one can give a solid reason, and everyone likes Field Of Dreams.

a ten second clip of a coffee cup.  UA has to take a Pepcid AC before meeting with the FILM FREAKS.  Unlike the theatre mavens, the film freaks don't even PRETEND to be happy.  Everything is bleak…even their weak attempts at humor.  UA takes her seat at the short film festival and settles in.  What do you know…the first film is about AIDS, the second is about Rape, the third…some mysterious movie about an empty box that represents the world's spirituality.  UA hurts herself rolling her eyes.  There's a question and answer time following the FILMS.  UA raises her hand before anyone.

Film Freak Wearing a Stanford Sweatshirt, to Show That Material Things Mean Nothing:  Yes? 

She:  You know that part in the movie where the guy throws the vase against the wall and it shatters?  That reminded me of Bull Durham.

Well, now she's done it.  UA has mentioned the Film Freak Anti-Freak…Kevin Costner.  This was her plan from the very beginning.  To sully the serious discussion of 'film' with a little Costner plug.  There are two ways to make film freaks mad…praise Kevin Costner or praise Mel Gibson.  It's required by the film freaks that these actor/directors be denounced, although no one can give a solid reason, and everyone likes Field Of Dreams.

FFWASSTSTMTMN:  NEXT QUESTION?

Film Freak Who Doesn't Get Enough Attention:  What DID that vase represent?  Was it the emptiness of the world, and our desire to make the world beautiful, but ultimately fragile? 

Film Freak Who Will Not Be Outdone:  I wonder if perhaps the vase represented the struggle that we all face between creativity and logic, which can only result in shattered lives and pain…

A murmur goes up in the crowd.  Everyone wishes they had that deep of a comment.  UA puts her head between her knees…there's… too much…atmosphere…

A Mysterious Film Freak:  Or could it be that it was a vase.  Made of porcelain, so when you throw it across the room…it breaks.

A murmur of disgust…the Unprofessional Actress turns, intrigued. 

FFWASSTSTMTMN:  NO, no.  The vase represents how spirituality interferes with our relationships with each other.  Our faith in outside forces…

UA hears the mysterious film freak quietly saying "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" under his breath.  She likes him. He is eating SnoCaps and has his feet on the seat in front of him.  He's shaking his head…laughing.

FFWASSTSTMTMN:  Something is FUNNY?

A Mysterious Film Freak:  Really, really funny…and it's not your haircut, either.  Tell me, how is it that you feel you KNOW what the vase represents?

FFWASSTSTMTMN:  Well, I happen to work in films…I make films…write them…produce them…I know a little about films.

The other film freaks laugh…it's fun to be so haughty.

A Mysterious Film Freak:  As do I.  I made that one.

UA is amazed.  She has encountered the Unprofessional Film Maker.  She turns in her seat to admire him fully.

UFM:  Sometimes, if I could quote the ever irascible Sigmund Freud, a vase is just a vase.  Sometimes, a film is just a movie, and sometimes, SOMETIMES an A33 Clamp is simply a clothespin.

The film freaks are appalled.  None of them even know what irascible means.  Only a few know what a clothespin is.  The discussion breaks up and UA heads for the lobby where the directors of the FILMS have little displays set up to market themselves.  UA heads for the UFM's display.  It is a card table set up with three dioramas made from shoe boxes.  There are 3x5 cards in front of each one:  HERE'S ME, TELLING AN ACTRESS I WISH THAT SHE WOULD TAKE HER TOP OFF FOR THE SCENE…HERE'S ME, CRYING BECAUSE I CAN'T SEEM TO GET ONE SHOT IN WITHOUT THE ICE CREAM MAN GOING BY…HERE'S ME, PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD THROUGH FILM.

She:  Hi. 

UFM:  Hi.  Here, take a card…I made them at Kinkos.  All by myself.

She:  I'll hang on to this. 

She leans in and whispers conspiratorially

She:  I can't talk here.  I am the Unprofessional Actress…seeking to bring down the industry and expose them for their unnecessary pretentiousness and love of Peter Brooks.  Will you join me?

UFM looks around.  He nods silently and scribbles something on the back of his business card.

UFM:  Call me…the industry may already have me pegged, but I will fight for the existence of the mainstream and Joe Q. Public's right to have a good time at the movies.

The two exchange a look…UA is excited at the prospect of maybe developing a secret handshake for unprofessional people everywhere.

 

Next time on Unprofessional Actress… The Underground Plots to Systematically Take Over the World...or  Maybe They'll Just Catch a Flick

Previously on Unprofessional Actress...


 

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