The Unprofessional Actress
Part VIII
– The Industry Sends In Its Worst
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Sometimes, the Unprofessional Actress
feels cocky. She's nailed some industry maven to the wall and issued
a witty comeback at just the right time. Sometimes, she thinks she
may go back to being professional, just because she's getting that snotty,
self absorbed attitude…the industry is warping her. It's at these
times that she must surround herself with the industry's most devious
sect…the FILM FREAKS. These people don't go to MOVIES. They go
to see FILMS or PIECES or WORKS. The less popular a FILM, the more
brilliant it is…they hate the mainstream and insist on finding symbolic
meaning in
It's
required by the film freaks that these actor/directors be denounced,
although no one can give a solid reason, and everyone likes Field Of
Dreams.
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a ten second clip of a coffee
cup. UA has to take a Pepcid AC before meeting with the FILM
FREAKS. Unlike the theatre mavens, the film freaks don't even PRETEND
to be happy. Everything is bleak…even their weak attempts at
humor. UA takes her seat at the short film festival and settles
in. What do you know…the first film is about AIDS, the second is
about Rape, the third…some mysterious movie about an empty box that
represents the world's spirituality. UA hurts herself rolling her
eyes. There's a question and answer time following the FILMS.
UA raises her hand before anyone.
Film Freak Wearing a Stanford
Sweatshirt, to Show That Material Things Mean Nothing: Yes?
She: You know that part in the movie where the guy
throws the vase against the wall and it shatters? That reminded me of
Bull Durham.
Well, now she's done it. UA has
mentioned the Film Freak Anti-Freak…Kevin Costner. This was her plan
from the very beginning. To sully the serious discussion of 'film'
with a little Costner plug. There are two ways to make film freaks
mad…praise Kevin Costner or praise Mel Gibson. It's required by the
film freaks that these actor/directors be denounced, although no one can
give a solid reason, and everyone likes Field Of Dreams.
FFWASSTSTMTMN: NEXT QUESTION?
Film Freak Who Doesn't Get Enough
Attention: What DID that
vase represent? Was it the emptiness of the world, and our desire to
make the world beautiful, but ultimately fragile?
Film Freak Who Will Not Be
Outdone: I wonder if
perhaps the vase represented the struggle that we all face between
creativity and logic, which can only result in shattered lives and pain…
A murmur goes up in the crowd.
Everyone wishes they had that deep of a comment. UA puts her head
between her knees…there's… too much…atmosphere…
A Mysterious Film Freak: Or could it be that it was a vase. Made of
porcelain, so when you throw it across the room…it breaks.
A murmur of disgust…the
Unprofessional Actress turns, intrigued.
FFWASSTSTMTMN: NO, no. The vase represents how
spirituality interferes with our relationships with each other. Our
faith in outside forces…
UA hears the mysterious film freak
quietly saying "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" under his breath. She
likes him. He is eating SnoCaps and has his feet on the seat in front of
him. He's shaking his head…laughing.
FFWASSTSTMTMN: Something is FUNNY?
A Mysterious Film Freak: Really, really funny…and it's not your haircut,
either. Tell me, how is it that you feel you KNOW what the vase
represents?
FFWASSTSTMTMN: Well, I happen to work in films…I make
films…write them…produce them…I know a little about films.
The other film freaks laugh…it's fun
to be so haughty.
A Mysterious Film Freak: As do I. I made that one.
UA is amazed. She has
encountered the Unprofessional Film Maker. She turns in her seat to
admire him fully.
UFM: Sometimes, if I could quote the ever irascible
Sigmund Freud, a vase is just a vase. Sometimes, a film is just a
movie, and sometimes, SOMETIMES an A33 Clamp is simply a clothespin.
The film freaks are appalled.
None of them even know what irascible means. Only a few know what a
clothespin is. The discussion breaks up and UA heads for the lobby
where the directors of the FILMS have little displays set up to market themselves.
UA heads for the UFM's display. It is a card table set up with three
dioramas made from shoe boxes. There are 3x5 cards in front of each
one: HERE'S ME, TELLING AN ACTRESS I WISH THAT SHE WOULD TAKE HER TOP
OFF FOR THE SCENE…HERE'S ME, CRYING BECAUSE I CAN'T SEEM TO GET ONE SHOT IN
WITHOUT THE ICE CREAM MAN GOING BY…HERE'S ME, PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER THE
WORLD THROUGH FILM.
She: Hi.
UFM: Hi. Here, take a card…I made them at
Kinkos. All by myself.
She: I'll hang on to this.
She leans in and whispers
conspiratorially
She: I can't talk here. I am the Unprofessional
Actress…seeking to bring down the industry and expose them for their
unnecessary pretentiousness and love of Peter Brooks. Will you join
me?
UFM looks around. He nods
silently and scribbles something on the back of his business card.
UFM: Call me…the industry may already have me pegged,
but I will fight for the existence of the mainstream and Joe Q. Public's
right to have a good time at the movies.
The two exchange a look…UA is excited
at the prospect of maybe developing a secret handshake for unprofessional
people everywhere.
Next time on Unprofessional Actress… The
Underground Plots to Systematically Take Over the World...or Maybe
They'll Just Catch a Flick
Previously on Unprofessional Actress...
FICTIONARIUM
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