The Delicate Dance Of The APP
An Editorial Statement from Jessi
Boy
oh boy…the APP has been around for a long time, folks. MONTHS, even. I mean, when
we started out we had three articles. And they were just up there, on a black
background, all in yellow, with a plain font that said The Absurd Pamphlet
Press. Remember those days? No, probably not. You kids. think you’re going to
be sixteen forever…hah! I thought that too, but mostly because sixteen was the
single worst year of my life.
(Jessi
walks over to the leather armchair and sits down with a brandy)
Anyway,
it’s been crazy around here since those early days at members.aol.com… wrestling
with finding our own domain, trying to find a suitable email service that won’t
screw up the messages like MINDSPRING does, deciding what to print, and what
not to print, who to answer in the letters column and who to delete
immediately, and most importantly, how to best invest the rollicking $2.14 we
have earned from our affiliates. The APP was created because Chris and I have
so much GOD DAMN creativity in our veins that if we didn’t release it, we’d
die. It’s a little affliction we like to call Blue Brains…but I digress. Our
creativity is a very personal and intimate thing -- in fact, I’m trying on a
daily basis to get people to gather up my creativity and publish it in what I
like to call "a book" -- and we’re offering to share it with you, the
world, yo mama FOR NO COST AT ALL. That means, free.
And
yet, it seems that the world doesn’t want free creativity. The world doesn’t
want good quality fiction and a concise yet brilliant letters column. What the
world wants is crap. They want jpgs and gifs. They want java and midi and
webring membership. The world wants to know how many people have been to my
site, as if it mattered…as if the content improves with each vote of
confidence. I’ve got news for you people…the webcounter at the Heaven’s Gate
site was off the fucking chain, and that shit still sounded like crazy talk.
So, the APP isn’t going to change no matter how many people come by…and that
makes me take pause…because,
NOBODY
IS COMING BY.
What’s
going on here, folks? I mean, I registered this site at every known search
engine on the planet…I published its link on three onelist mailing lists, I
notified every single person I know about its existence and hilarity…but it’s
not working…at all. Don’t get me wrong, I love you readers. Each and every one
of the six of you…but, frankly, I want more. I’m greedy. I’m a self centered,
21st century type gal who wants it all and wants it now. We’ve got some great
things in the hopper for APP…I mean, I don’t want to toot my own horn, but this
Ixthia story is going to
rock, and if you don’t like Bob
Tallmadge - Universal Assistant, buddy, you’re crazy.
What
do you want me to do? Beg you? Get down on my knees and beg you, crying, to
tell your friends and neighbors about this site? Is that what you want? I’ll do
it. Look at me…kneeling in front of this computer like a weird apostle. TELL
YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS, scrawl Abpam.com at the top of your vocab quizzes,
call Larry King and say ABPAM.COM… You know all those people that you send
stupid forwards to? Virtual snowballs and good luck numerology? How many people
are on that forwarding list? GIVE THEM OUR LINK. If you’re going to start a
chain mail, at least have it lead to something worthwhile. A good way to do
this is to copy something like THE
FIFTY THESES and forward it to everyone in the world with our link at
the bottom. It’s like clapping for Tinkerbell people. If you quit clapping, or
quit writing, or quit clicking on our sponsors…we die. Is that what you want?
Right after I found a good workout program? I don’t think so.
It’s
simple. The color scheme is black, green and yellow. The links are white. That
ain’t changing. There are no graphics or photos or screen captures on our
site…that ain’t changing. We don’t have a guestbook, we don’t have a search
engine within the site…that ain’t changing. But you know what else ain’t
changing?
GOOD
QUALITY FICTION AND SOCIAL COMMENTARY PRESENTED IN A LIGHTHEARTED,
GOOD-OUTLOOK-ON-LIFE MANNER
PROMPT,
INTELLIGENT REPLIES TO YOUR EMAILS, NO MATTER HOW INANE THEY MAY BE
MY
CONSTANT BATTLE TO BEAT SOME RESPECT OUT OF CARCAZOID AND HIS MINIONS
APPARENTLY,
MY WAIST MEASUREMENT…THAT’S PRETTY SOLID
The
APP is an institution of higher learning, friends…enroll everyone you know.
Thank
you.
Jessi
© 1999
Absurd Pamphlet Press