A Modest Proposal: Southwest Airlines

Southwest Airlines:
A Modest Proposal by Chris McCaleb

I recently traveled to Alabama on business, and as I usually do, I flew on Southwest Airlines.

I have a tendency, when I am bored or stuck in one place for a while, to look around and think of ideas that could improve business for someone. Witness only my revolutionary Universal Escape Number for automated phone systems, or the Interactive Zoo Kiosk, two concepts that I'm sure are making someone a lot of money right now, and you will see what I mean.

The Modest Proposal I have for Southwest is going to potentially increase profits for that great airline by at least 120%, I estimate, as it will cut down on a lot of currently unneeded personnel. Here is how the idea occurred to me: I noted that when I was at last situated in my seat, and my carry-on luggage stowed in the overhead compartment, I had at least two inches of leg room left.

Southwest, that's two inches* of surplus space that went utterly unused by you - space which I squandered by occasionally shifting my position in the seat, or by stuffing my notebook down between my knees and the raised tray table.

When you multiply that extra space by each passenger, I think you see that the total surplus is quite unexpectedly into the one or two feet range!

Southwest Airlines, you can reclaim all that wasted space - and then possibly squeeze some more seats on the plane - by drugging me, and essentially handling me as fragile, perishable cargo for the duration of the flight! Then there will be no need for me to move AT ALL during the trip!

I don't expect this suggestion will be looked on as quite as original as the ones I've had in the past, because from what I have seen, you seem to be moving in the direction of passengers- as-cargo already. Foreward thinking like this is why you remain my number one choice of air travel! (Midway Airport in Chicago also seems to be moving towards this new way of handling passengers, as they have been systematically reducing corridor space in their terminal for the past twenty years. In five or six years I expect to be administered a mandatory tranquilizer outside the entrance to Midway, and then carted to my enplaning area via Skycap!)

But let me take this idea farther - let me take it into an area in which I think you'll REALLY see some increases in your profits. What if you routinely drug ALL your passengers? I think you can see the advantages! With a planeful of sedated, pliable passengers, you could stack us like cordwood! There will be no need to have a meal service, and you can save tens of dollars on the Coke and peanuts you usually offer!

Other cost-effective points of this plan:

There will be no need to deliver the "emergency procedures" monologue, as we will all be asleep!
There will really no longer be any need for seats.
Your flight crew will no longer have to spend time comforting passengers who are nervous about flying.
Passengers can be conveyed and removed from the plane with the same conveyer belt system you use for luggage! Both passenger and luggage can easily be claimed - with a corresponding claim ticket - from the luggage carousel. NOTE: There would be no need, as usual, for you to assume any responsibility for lost luggage / passengers.

I predict that there may be a need for at least four passengers per flight to remain in an "easily awakened" state - that is, they may need to receive less of a dosage of the tranquilizer. This is so that, in the unlikely event of a water landing or other emergency, these "Easy-Wake" passengers, as I call them, can be quickly revived from their coma to assist you in casting the inert passengers out into the waves or onshore or wherever.

And do I even need to point out that sleeping, drugged passengers wearing vests are already THEMSELVES flotation devices? Do I even need to describe the convenience of waiting for rescue in the comfort of the raft or shelter which you have quickly and easily assembled from the bodies of the sleeping passengers? You might even stow necessary items - flares, rations, magazines - on the passengers themselves, where you can have easy access to them while you wait in the safety of your comfortable Living Raft!

*It is important to note that the two inches went down to one or even a negative number if the passenger ahead of me inclined his seat back to any degree. Reclining seats DO skew the figures of this proposal.

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