The Way We Felt At 3:21 PM On March 3rd, 2000
3/3/00
Dear APP:
Did you like the movie Pitch Black?
Tierlieben
Dear Tierlieben:
Well, of course I did…but not because it was a good movie.
Oh, do you need more? I loved Pitch Black…yes, I said loved, because of one Mr. Vin Deisel: mysterious, evil, ripped, low, gravelly voice. He's everything I've ever wanted in a movie villain, except there was no bitch slap and he wasn't German. The plot…is thin, but that's to be expected in an action movie, so we let it go. There's no denying that this is directed in a MTV, short attention span theatre sort of style, and that kind of made me sick at the beginning. I think this movie would have been better served in the summertime, when people are turned off and just watching things, like Wild Wild West. It's a good screamy, popcorn throwy kind of movie with very little consequence.
PLUS, and I don't want to ruin it for everyone, but the bad guy? He stays bad…which I like most of all.
Jessi
Dear APP:
Have you ever had an impossibly long elevator ride, where you and a couple of other people are the only ones there?
And they are talking like you aren't there? Or maybe they intend for you to hear what they are saying, thinking it makes them look smart, or ahead of the curve, or attractive to you. That actually is flattering. Then the doors open, you are where you wanted to be, and everyone goes their own way.
Fred Rockwood [frockwood@mindspring.com]
Dear Fred,
Elevators are strange places. No one seems to know how to act, and no one will come out and tell us how to act. When is Miss Manners going to write the definitive work on elevator etiquette? Tight places - and the fact that there is an element of mystery and danger, no matter how slim - make some people nervous, and they need a guide to keep their behavior in check.
In my opinion, any conversation at all in an elevator when others are present is a little weird. If people are going to discuss business when I'm in the elevator, they ought to at least let me interject my opinion. "No, I disagree, it's too early for an IPO."
Is it too much to ask everyone to just bow their heads and silently meditate for the few seconds it takes to get from floor to floor?
Chris
Chris,
Trust me, the plan is good...erase the front page and just put up the mailbag, have a link from the IM right to the mailbag and then just the archive bar. Clean, neat, fresh.
Jessi
Dear Jessi:
Hey! That sounds neat to me! I'd like to do that! Let me know when you can help proof it, and we can do that!
Chris
Dear Jessi:
You're one of those weird sex nuts, I see, so I was wondering if you
liked the movie Romance?
Fraulinde
Frau:
I'm not sure if I liked it…it was confusing.
Oh, do you need more? The unrated version of Romance, which is NOT available at BLOCKBUSTER, the crabby old Baptist aunt of movie rental places, is basically a porn with a good plot and semi-good acting. I'll be honest with you, when I was done watching Romance I stood in my living room, alone, in my pajamas and said, "what the hell?" I wasn't
sure if it was a masterpiece or the worst movie I'd ever seen. I'm a little upset that the version I got was dubbed and not subtitled, which lead me to believe that Gamera was going to appear at any moment. But the script WAS interesting…dealing with a woman who can't find intimacy with her boyfriend, so she seeks out several other people to serve her masochistic sexual needs. She wants to be treated like a slut, even to the point of not being too upset at a vicious rape in a stairwell. I saw 9-13 Penises in this movie, a money shot, a very up close gynecological exam, but ALSO, some great bondage and an interesting psychological profile of a mixed up woman.
Love,
Jessi
Dear APP:
Hmm, you guys never seemed like the double-colon, btw, brb, smiley using netizens. Granted, when I started using aol seven years ago everybody was like, but hell, we were geeks. Why else would we have internet access seven years ago when nobody else had heard of it? But over the years normal people have been gutting online and shunning our weird little shorthand, I always pictured you guys as normal, I guess you've final been turned to "our" side. Soon you'll have extra e-mail addresses just for contests and spam.
From: Kyle McCowin [CortJstr@hotmail.com]
Dear Kyle,
I beg your pardon - we are NOT smiley-using netizens. Nowhere in our IMs will you find any form of emoticon, which are sappy and stupid. You ALSO won't find either of us ever employing the ultra-annoying technique of the (read: ) statement. I don't even consider myself a "netizen," for that matter. And don't label me a geek just because I make use of the Action Within Double Colons.
True, it started out as a joke between us when we first started talking online. But I think you can see that it has grown to an art form between us. That is why we decided to share some IMS with you this week. What other form of communication allows you to ascribe any action to yourself or others, no matter how absurd or impossible? It's like a constant stream-of-conscious comedy revue in our IMs. One minute we're at a Noel Coward dinner party, the next minute we're addressing the world in general.
Don't rain on my parade, Kyle - NOT YOU.
Chris
Dear Jessi:
I just have to say, your words, your humor, everything you do, enflames me. I am filled with love and lust for a woman of your talent and emotional stability. I have noticed that I'm on your laminated list, and I would like to meet up with you for a sexy rendezvous in the New Mexico desert. Please, be vigilant and write back to me soon so we can begin our love.
Sincerely,
Jason Behr of Roswell Fame
Jason:
Shhh! You'll make Dylan jealous!
I'll see you at 3:00
Love,
Jessi
Dear APP:
I was reading your white slavery IM thing, and I'm going to have to give it a bad grade. Why? Because you violated the Holy Action Colons Rule #1: No one shall give actions to another person without their knowing. Case in point:
"Jessi: ::raising candlestick behind your back, when you turn to face me, I smile and hide it:: "
"Jessi: ::trying to beat Wayne Newton to death::
Jessi: ::he just continues to sing Dankeschoen:: "
And so on. Now, I will be anal retentive now, because I honestly hate the use of action colons for humor, but ... you can't do anyone else's actions for them, Jessi. You just can't. It's against the rules, which I have made up.
For that, you will receive fifty demerits. I hope you learn your lesson.
Thank you for your time,
Josh [zornog@hotmail.com]
Dear Josh,
It sounds to me like your IMs aren't as much fun as ours. Half the entertainment value is writing stage directions fior the other one that they wouldn't necessarily want.
I'll share the demerits with Jessi - but under protest.
Chris
Dear APP:
I'm still hooked on the Heckler's Online mailbag. Sorry, we were close. Anyway, when the APP Mailbag was created, I was notified by proper authorities. I went to this site and was slightly disappointed. I stopped reading. I came back today and I noticed that Chris' comments were gone. My God....what happened?
PS: I don't care if you post this or not, I just need to know what happened to him or if he started another mailbag.
Zimri55@aol.com
Dear Zimri,
I'm still here. I'm sorry you were disappointed. I get too busy sometimes. Hecklers is a harsh mistress. Screenplays are a harsh mistress, too. APP, on the other hand, is a gentle mistress, but she can be so... NEEDY sometimes. So I occasionally just let it go without my attention for a while. I hope this hasn't cost me your attention forever.
Come on back! Stay with us! We're trying to work out a better update schedule as we speak!
Chris
Write to APP: - HOME
______________________________________________________
Previous Mailbags:
Jessi's Outer Child and Former Self
I Dare You To Do Better Than This Column
The Column of Hate
The Calm After The Storm
Now You've Done It
Mission: Make Jessi Cry
The All-Yellow Mailbag
Mailbag for a New Millennium
Notes to the Newfangled Horseless Carriage
Fickle, Thy Name Is Stephanie
Dial M For Selfishness
Back Havery
Miranda, You Little Fool
Flim Flam and Carcazoid Carcass
The Cowardly, Jealous Letters Column
Admire His Car And Put Out
A Column About - What Else - This Column
The Special "October Eighth" Edition
20% Applefeed, 80% Pure Mailbag Goodness
G'morning Lipnicki
Prophets Predicted This Column Would Be Here
Letters We Answered in Green and Yellow
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